40

My husband has fallen in love with another.

And she's only 40.

How can I compete?  She has a lovely shape, aroma and a really catchy name.

She fits nicely in his hand and goes well with hot dogs.

She runs about $2.09 and can be picked up at the gas station.

She quenches his thirst and makes him burp.

Me?  I'm almost 50 and a lot more high maintenance.

Q&A- TV and God Edition

Dear Mark,
Why do you think I enjoy Facebook so much on a Friday night?
The Ju

Dear Ju,
Because you are lazy as hell.

**********

Dear Ree,
Why do I enjoy your blog so much more than your show?
Confused in Carolina

Dear CIC,
My personality and humor don't translate well on TV. 
And there's not enough of Marlboro Man's chaps.

**********

Dear God,
Why must women go through Menopause and all sorts of hormonal distress?
Roller Coaster Mama

Dear Mama,
Pretty funny on my part, eh?

**********

Dear Guy Fieri,
Just how do you get your hair to look like that?  And why the pinky ring?
Grossed out in Goose Creek

Hey Creek!
Back off the hair.  I am a super stud who can cook better than anyone on the planet. 
And don't you worry about my ring. 

**********

Dear Meredith Grey,
Does the Chief live?
On the edge of my recliner with wonder

Dear OTEOMRWW,
I will find out for you after I look for my new baby who I thought had died, but didn't really even though they made all the viewers think he would die. 

**********
 
Dear God,
What's with making our boobs sag as we get older?
NOT Boobalicious anymore

My dearest NOT,
It makes for great cartoons.

*********

Dear Giada,
Why is your head so darn big?
J to the M

Oh J,
Why you gotta be so jealous?  Haters gonna hate.

**********

Dear Bobby,
Where did you learn all that crap you know?  You always come up with some weird fact when solving those murders.
Awed in the Creek

Dear Awed,
I am a genius.  Even though I was mentored by that really weird dude and fell for Nicole Wallace, I'm still a genius.  Even though I'm too dumb to figure out that I'm in love with Eams.
BG

**********

Dear Jesse Pinkman,
I am your number one fan.  But, honestly, you've got to start figuring out that Mr. White does NOT have your back.
Your #1 Bitch

Hey Bitch,
I'll keep an eye on that Bitch.  Thanks for the warning, but I'm too loyal of a bitch to realize anything is amiss.

**********

Dear God,
Will my brother's team ever make it to the College World Series?
Praying for a miracle

Oh my dear little Prayer,
Have faith.  Sometimes the good guy does finish first.

**********

Dear  God,
One more question - just how did you figure out to make wine so tasty?
Pinot Noir Fan

Hey Fan,
I consider that one of my better accomplishments; right up there with cream cheese and Robert Redford.

**********

Dear Ted Allen,
Which Chopped judge is the biggest pain in the rear?
Nosey Ju

Dear Nose:
Without a doubt, Geoffrey Zakarian.

Upppppppp and Dowwwwwwnnnnnnnn

Welcome to the roller coaster of my emotions.

Yesterday was a real DOWN.  I was at the bottom of the hill.  In case you have any doubt, check my post from yesterday.  Debbie Downer.

Today, I'm on top of the world.  I got to see my Wednesday buddy and he correctly gave me my unsweet tea.
I ate lunch, out of the office, with one of my all time favorite people.
For lunch, I threw convention to the wind and ate eggs benedict with potato pancakes.  Um, hello lover!
The Supreme Court got it right.
I face timed with my kid.
There was no oppressive "feel" at the office.
I wore a really comfy dress today.  And the lady at Whole Foods complimented the dress.

I didn't once feel like screaming, crying or stomping my feet.  I didn't want to rip any one's throat out of their body.  I didn't want to pummel anyone, run for the hills, or give up on humanity.

I am at the top of the coaster.  I am smelling the fresh air at the top.

But oh, you know what this means.  Very soon, very very soon, I'm going to be whooshing back down that hill back to the bottom.

Oh Hormones.  You are going to be the death of me.  Between these moods, the crazy dreams and the very sweaty nights, it ain't a pretty sight.

Menopause, anyone?

Now, if my uterus will just catch up with the rest of the symptoms.

Negative Nelly

DON’T FEEL LIKE:

being nice
dieting
working
smiling
laughing
being supportive
being funny
being patient
blogging
playing Candy Crush
reading
driving
exercising
doing anything but complaining

Bill is Fifty. I am not.

It happens to the best of us.  It happens to the worst of us.

My boss turned 50 this past weekend.  I still have four more months of my forties.

 

Being the immature brats dedicated employees that we are, we threw him a little celebration yesterday.  Actually, we went pretty easy on him. There was no sign of diapers, walkers or canes.  I played it safe, as I don't want any paybacks on my day.  

Bill has been on a super duper health kick for years; he watches what he eats, exercises regularly and has even cut out most alcohol from his life.  (for shame!)  As you all know, ad nauseum, I've been trying to life a healthier lifestyle as well.  But, when someone turns 50, you just have to say what the heck, and enjoy the delicious, albeit very unhealthy snacks for snack day.

 I devoured the egg salad.  I inhaled the popcorn chicken.  And Bill did the same.  Well, maybe not the egg salad, but he joined in the carb fest!

 Bill has a slight addiction to Diet Coke, thus the Coke (Diet) Can Cake.  How cute is that?  Luckily, I was smart enough to hire someone who is very crafty and immediately put her in charge of the Party Planning Committee.  I used to do that stuff, and everyone would be quite disappointed.  She is fantastic.  Every birthday, wedding or baby is celebrated in style at our place.

The dum-dum bouquet is my favorite though.  It says, "50 Sucks."  Each individual sucker (yes, there are 50) has a saying or incident that reminded us all of Bill.  We had great fun thinking of these episodes, and once again, Lauren did a masterful job on creating it.  Here's an up close shot:

 Bill is a great guy.  I've worked for him since 1990. This means I knew him when he turned 30, I knew him when he turned 40, and I still know him as he turns 50.  Of course, since we are the same age, this means, he's known me at all those ages and all the ages in between.  I joke that my relationship with him has lasted longer than any of my marriages.

 God willing and the creek don't rise, we'll be celebrating our 60th together. 

Thanks for warming up the 50s for me big guy.

oKKKKKKKKKKKKK

I am so glad this dumbo had her baby.  I'm real tired of looking at pictures of her and her swollen belly and feet.

I can't sleep

I'm up.  I can't sleep.  Here's a list of some of the things running through my head:

What time is it?
Must remember to put Taylor's check in the bank.
Must transfer money to Taylor's account.
Bon Jour!  Bon Jour!
I need to wrap Laura's present.
Work Money Worries.
"There must be more than this provincial life!"
What's Jake up to?
Why is this cat sleeping on my head?
Do I need to pee?
Why does everyone snore at this time of the morning?  (humans and animals)
Should I just get up?
What time is it now?
I will just count backwards from 300 by 3s.
That doesn't work anymore.
Sarah says think of nothing but black.
I can't do that.
"I'm going to make Belle my wife!"
I wonder if Beauty and the Beast is playing anywhere in the country.
Would it be all kids at the show?
Rockett needs her nails trimmed.
Is it Thursday today?
What are we going to do this weekend?
Should I wear that white dress today?
I really need to invest in a full length mirror.
What time is it?
I hope Taylor gets that job.
Man, that cat is a loud snorer.
How's my streak for the cash?
Should I change my profile picture on Facebook?
I wonder if Sue liked, "Me Before You."
"with her nose stuck in a book."
I will never be able to buy a $1300 watch, nor would I.
Were those boobs fake?
I've GOT to get caught up on Breaking Bad before August 11.
I like VINE.
I'm like a baby anymore, I've got my nights and days mixed up.
That would make a good FB status.
What time is it?