Along Came Rockett

Ya know, there’s just some stories people keep to themselves, and should keep to themselves. I’ve never been one of those people. In case you don't believe me, check out this example

Here’s the way I justify it all---if I had to go through something, be totally embarrassed, and I survived the whole ordeal, I figure it’s my duty to inform others. That way, should it ever happen to them, they know they are not alone in the world of shame and blushing.


And, that is why, today, I am here to tell you about a spring day a few years ago, and the mortifying events of a Saturday afternoon.

As many of you know, I love to do crossword puzzles. I have them piled up in the bathroom, and they are my means of relaxation, mind exercises and escape. On this particular Saturday afternoon, I planned to “spend some time on the throne” while doing my crossword, and then follow up with a bubble bath or shower. Since I was planning on the bathing part after conducting business, I was naked as I entered the bathroom.

Okay, the scene is now set for you.


As I entered the bathroom, I realized my crossword book was in the family room. ( No problem. I’m not shy, I’ll walk around the house sans clothes. ) So, I walk out to the family room, and as I return down the hall to the tiny little bathroom, I feel a bit gassy. Again, no problem. Steven is in the shower. If I choose to let things “go,” there will be no feedback. And, so I did.


Except, it wasn’t just wind that came out. I sharted. (Luckily, I had watched, “Along Came Polly” just that morning and had learned this term. Seriously!) Right there in the hall Right there on my hideous green carpet. Right there on my leg. Panic sets in. How in the world did I do this? What is wrong with me, as a human being, that I am 46 years old and try to pass gas, and make this horrible mistake??


I realize I have few precious moments in which to clean up the evidence. I’m seriously mortified and contemplating that THIS is the most embarrassing moment of my life.

OH, HOW VERY WRONG I WAS.


At that particular moment, my sweet little doggy comes prancing down the hall. And then it happened. Without hesitation, she sniffed, sniffed again, and then rolled on her back right in the middle of my embarrassment. She was happy as a pig in .....well, you know the answer there. I looked at her in shock, still thinking I had a chance to blame this whole thing on her. (sorry Rockett!) But, then she hopped up, and jumped on my bed. Yes, fully covered in ick. Now, both of us were covered.


And, at that point, I heard the shower water turn off. Please imagine Steven’s face as he entered the bedroom and saw what was standing before him.


Folks, THAT was the most embarrassing moment of my life. Because you see, I then had to go on and explain just what had happened. (kind of like putting it in writing today) I had never felt so UNcool, UNsexy and just flat out gross. As the case is with most horrible situations, I felt utterly alone in my shame.


But a funny thing happened. Steven shared his sharting story with me. And, over the years, I’ve heard more sharting stories than I ever imagined were out there. They are all horrifying, yet hilarious. Disgusting but yet delightful.

And, so I come to share the story of the shart with you today in hopes that you’ll realize you are never really alone.


ESPECIALLY at the times you might need it the most. :-)